Stephanietxt: July 2009

Finally P.O.M is over.
All the stress I'd been bottling inside of me, perhaps even my group members didnt realised it. I really lost the ability to express myself anymore. I had tried to be fair. But whatever it is, I just can't help feeling helpless. I wished tears helped. But it didnt change the fact. I thought I wasn't but am I really being the selfish one?

I hate school life. I hate time. I hate everything.
&& I hate myself.

Shit happens. Ya, let's just blame every shit to me now.

I could hardly catch my breathe now.

Weekends I need to tend my business and need to work on Sunday night. I have 2 upcoming projs to complete. I wished my group members can really give me support and understanding. I haven't been going FB. For 4 lessons since the start of FB pratice.

Tell me. What should I give up?
1. School (back to working life)
2. Friends
3. FB
4. Work at cotton on

Options I wouldn't include: Girlfriend and my own business.

1. School
I seriousl hate school. Probably it's because for 2 years I had been in the retail world. I had difficulties communicating with everyone.

2. Friends
I would just be myself, alone.

3. FB
It's tiring on a Friday night. I had to spend time in school from 8.30am to 10++pm?

4. Work at Cotton On
I had to work at least 10hrs. My incharges stopped me from tendering twice and gave me the 10hrs/week special approcal. I dont wish to disappoint them and I'm starting to click well with some of the part timers there. I'm starting to feel a sense of belonging and yet I'm feeling I have no time for myself to rest.

My time is just enough for school, business, cotton on job. Rest is not enough definitely. I'm occupied every single day. My body is too tired for the 5 weekdays to go for FB. And I need to prepare set up for my business on weekends. And I'm working two 5hrs shift on one weekday and one weekend.

Argh.

i hate... myself.

I have been going and running through youtube.com and tudou.com for music videos since I've got home from work(around 12?) and finish watching Guess*3 (and it's 3.35am now).

I saw Phyllis' blog about 4-year-old Kaitlyn Maher from America's Got Talent, then I searched for her videos. After that, I was brought to the link of Connie Talbot from British's Got Talent. Young singers.. Really admire them! If only I could treasure my voice more..

Then I thought of Micheal Jackson.

I'd played MVs of Micheal Jackson. And I absolutely love "Smooth Criminal" and "Dirty Diana"! "Smooth Criminal" was one of the song performed by me and my class band as a private concert for our Sec4 form teacher, Ms Khamilah for Teachers' Day. && I practised the chords really hard. I was a pianist. And had to learn this song as a keyboardist for this special performance. I really hope when Ms Khamilah hears this song as remembrance of Micheal Jackson, she would think of our class (:

"Dirty Diana" was the song Chelsia played in Ip Zone quite often. It's distinctive as her sister's name is Diana. Hahaa, we would sing "Dirty Diana" to Diana when we get bored to work. Hahaas!

MJ's dance was .... (Y)! Then I thought of dancers.. Hip Hop, Popping, Locking and all... Thought of Koda Kumi's "Hot Stuff". I love the song, it's perfect for a choreo! Wiki-ed about her and I was linked to....

Ayumi Hamasaki.

I used to be a great fan of her. My dad's client, one of Media's publisher, always gives us posters when we were young. And I kept a lot of Ayumi's.. And pasted it around the walls of my bed. Hahaa ;D

Her first album, A Song for XX, has this song, "Poker Face" in it! Ayumi was in this neat short black hair. And thus, "Poker Face" turned out to be some.. I would call calm song. Lol?

I carried on the search of MV. I heard Vogue, Seasons.. Then I remember my favourite MV of Ayumi Hamasaki.... "M"!

Short and simple, "M", is one of the songs she wrote and I love the way she expressed it in her MV. I searched youtube.com and couldn't find her MV for this song. So I went tudou.com instead. Watch "M" 's MV here.

I love that her wearing that white wedding grown with creamy blonde long wavy hair. That pretty emotional expression that she carried throughout the MV with that outfit..

&whatever, I know she's plastic beauty. Who cares? At least it shows that she's lucky to have a good surgeon to do this job for her!

Beautiful!!

As I was telling Pamela, I wanted my own style of dressing that is distinctive; like a trademark of me. You see someone dressing that style, you think of me.

All these while.. From the day I like Ayumi Hamasaki(like when I was like 10?) I wanted a Jap look. And ever since purbety, I was labelled

FAT

Esteem killed and there's no way i could even attempt dressing Jap from that pathetic amount of pocket money of $1 at Primary 6?

Even when I started losing weight after entering Baleno Kingdom. Life at Causeway Point's S&K then killed me and that month I got $13xx after GST deduction with $5.50 per hour! For that 15 months in Baleno Kingdom, I had the money. But I didn't spend a single cent dressing Jap!

I don't understand why. I think it's most probably because I didnt have a Jap friend to guide me(other than Chelsia; we got close only towards the last 3months where I'd already invested in my online shop) and my esteem murdered me again because of XXX!

Who can tolerate your best friend telling you to build up your esteem, encourage you to dress up even when you are plus-sized and suddenly, calls you "FAT PIG" in the middle of Orchard! NONONO, it's actually screamming! I remembered I was walking ahead, she was walking behind with some others of our cliques and she just shouted"Eh Fat Pig, slow down ley!"

It hurts okay.
Fark you.

I didn't managed to shoot it back at you then. I wondered why I felt heartbroken and not angry that time. After you hurt me so many times, I had to build a barrier between me and this world. I treated every stranger with caution and self-defense. Everyone that gets in my way I would bear in mind. I don't do that last time. I wondered why I was so forgiving. Especially towards you when I THOUGHT you were my best friend.

After so long, i bet people still think it's me being emo and stuff. Whatever shit la. You ruined my life. I couldn't socialise myself in poly, in cotton on, in oschool and in FB. I carried that thought that everyone-is-going-to-bloody-hell-hurt-me! Why can't the onlookers think on my behalf!

I'm glad in polytechnic, I met Pamela (:

She listens, she voices out.. From the bottom of her heart. And at least she doesn't carries a mask around..

My supportive NYP friends includes The BOBO group (Glenys, Renee, Pamela and I was included as well .___. ), Marcus and Lilian..
My supportive Neighbourhood-kias includes Si Ming and Vicki. I remember there was once I wanted to commit suicide and Si Ming told me not to give up my life and I still have her.. Really thanks man. That was so sister la!
My supportive outside friends includes Sadness,Harper, Ray, Jeffrey, Nicole Jie. I can't express out my gratitude to all of you guys..
My supportive working friends includes Andy, Chelsia, Diana,Carol,Si Pei, Nicole, Papaya Wei Xing etc.. A lot to name for Baleno Kingdom staffs, sorry if you're not named but still, thank you guys for all!

Thanks for supporting me in my decisions and all..!

Not to forget my Baby Swing ((:
She was the only one who managed to see through my feelings. She knew I wasn't as happy as I seemed when she wasn't close with me AT ALL then.
I ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ my Baby Swing! (:

She's sleeping beside me now. (((: *sweet! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

It has been so long since I'd last updated. This post... long enough ba? Hahaa (:
Nights!